MAD UNLIVING 1: FIRST BROADCAST

TRANSCRIPT FROM THE RADIO BROADCASTS OF CONSTANCE “CON ART” LEOPOLD ON HIS SHOW ENTITLED “MAD UNLIVING”

05 – 16 – 2013

FIRST BROADCAST:

“WHO HEARS ME YOU PETTY SHEEP AND FOOLS? WHO HEARS ME BUT THE UNDEAD? WHO CARES? I DON'T [laughter]. IF YOU ARE HEARING THIS, THEN YOU ARE HEARING THE VERY FIRST POST-APOCALYPSE RADIO SHOW. HEY, SOMEONE'S GOTTA BE THE ENTERTAINMENT, RIGHT? SOMEONE HAS TO GIVE THE MASSES THEIR FUEL OF IDIOCY [laughter]!

“THIS SHOW IS CALLED “MAD UNLIVING” AND IT'S FOR ALL THOSE UNLUCKY ENOUGH TO BE ALIVE AFTER THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. HEY, ALL YOU STUPID TEENAGERS WHO KEPT WATCHING 'DAWN OF THE DEAD' FOR HOURS ON END... YOU THINK ZOMBIES ARE COOL NOW? DO YOU? WELL, WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE ****ING EATEN YOU STUPID B*******?!

“SO, WHAT I WANNA KNOW IS THIS... DID ANYBODY'S GRAND ZOMBIE SURVIVAL SCHEME ACTUALLY WORK? YOU KNOW YOU HAD ONE. DID ANYONE'S ACTUALLY PROVE COMPLETELY FAIL-SAFE? NO? DIDN'T THINK SO. I MEAN, FIRST OFF, NO STUPID TEENAGERS ARE GOING TO MAKE IT. YOU'RE ALL DEAD, UNDEAD, OR SOON TO BE DEAD [laughter]. SECOND OFF, COME ON MAN, DID YOU REALLY THINK HAVING A SHOTGUN AND A FIRST AID KIT WAS GOOD ENOUGH?

“I BET THAT THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO COULD ACTUALLY GET THROUGH A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE WOULD HAVE TO BE LIKE... A SUPER ASSASSIN, MAYBE A SOLDIER, SOME KINDA MAD SCIENTIST, AND AN IDIOT OR TWO FOR COMIC RELIEF. THAT'S THE ONLY WAY IT WOULD GO DOWN. SERIOUSLY. NO TEENAGERS. YOU'RE NOT GONNA SEE SCOOBY-****ING-DOO RUNNING OUT KILLING ZOMBIES. IT'S JUST NOT GONNA HAPPEN. I BET THAT STUPID MUTT IS A ZOMBIE NOW. IF YOU SEE HIM, SHOOT FOR ME, OKAY? JUST BUST A CAP IN THAT GREAT DANE'S STUPID *** [laughter]!

“OH, SCOOBY? SCOOBY? SCOOBY-DOO, WHERE ARE YOU? [laughter]

“WHO'S BEHIND IT ALL THIS TIME? YOU JUST GONNA RIP OFF HIS MASK? OH, WHAT'S THE MATTER? CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT? PROBABLY BECAUSE THE LESBIAN SMART ONE IS DEAD [laughter]!

“ANYWAY, ENOUGH ABOUT SCOOBY DOO. I HATE THAT STUPID SHOW. IT'S EVEN WORSE THAN THE FLINSTONES. REALLY, WHAT'S WORSE THAN THE FLINSTONES? WELL, WE'RE LIVING IN THE FLINSTONES NOW. IT'S ALL THE STONE AGE. SPEAKING OF, HERE'S THE WORST BAND EVER... QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE. PLAY ME OUT, YA PONCEY LUMPS.”